Defining The Line For Healthy Relationships

I see many people in my line of work that are absolutely exhausted, angry and resentful.

Often, when I ask this same lot of people what their values are they are not able to tell me. I believe knowing what your values are is crucial to defining the fence line (or boundaries) in an individuals’ life. The values represent the fence posts.

Building a strong fence will define what is yours and what is your neighbours’ responsibility. I like to use the metaphor of a paddock e.g.

We are living on 8 acres of stunning property, with beautiful gardens and a veggie patch. Both our property and the neighbouring properties have fences all around them as the neighbours’ farm both cows and sheep. The fences need to be regularly maintained and the gates kept closed to keep the cattle and sheep in the neighbours’ property and out of ours. Imagine what happens when the fences are down or the gates left open. Yes, havoc!

Values represent the fence posts on which you build fences. You choose what is important for you, measure where it is to go and hammer it in. You then choose the next one, once again measure where it is to go and hammer that one in too. You keep doing this until the fence line is completed and secure. It will take effort and you may be tired and exhausted when you first define the line, however, once the fence is in you can take a well needed break and enjoy the satisfaction of completion.

It is the not knowing of your values and therefore the inability to stipulate where your fence line is that allows others to either jump your fence or you to jump theirs.

I believe placing your values in order from most important to least important helps to clarify your yes to be yes, and your no to be no. It’s like putting solid fence posts in. It clarifies where my property ends and the neighbours begins.

Your feelings are yours, and yours alone.

I used to blame my circumstances as well as others for making me feel a certain way, until I begun to own my own feelings. In doing my own work, I have discovered that those feelings resided within me, they are mine. No-one creates my feelings ….. except me! That’s right. Each moment of the day I can choose joy, hope, love and I get to choose to celebrate life.

You can too.

Every time a negative feeling happens for you, rather than blaming the circumstances or someone else, take a deep breath and ask yourself this question – ?Where does that feeling come from?’

Take another breath and this time pay attention to your thoughts. You may want to ask yourself, ?What am I saying to myself”.

To change all the above, choose to replace the negative thought with a thought that is joyful, hopeful, full of love or a celebration thought.

Notice how your thoughts and feelings create your behaviour.

Taking 100% responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and behaviours will reshape your life.

I’d love to hear how you are reshaping your thoughts and life. Let me know in the comments below.

Mirror Reflection – The Pain Fertiliser

There have been many times in my life where I have said yes to others instead of being truthful and saying no. I have sometimes felt obliged, other times wanted to please people, wanted others to think of me highly, or I haven’t wanted to let people down. However, in a number of cases I have been resentful which has resulted in poor behaviour, thoughts and attitudes on my part and a distancing in my relationships.

I could see so clearly in the example of the trailer packer above, that it would have been so much more pleasant for everyone if he had been honest and said no right up front.

Yes, being truthful both with ourselves and others may initially cause some pain. I have been through this pain and am in the ongoing process of discovering that pain isn’t necessarily a bad thing, in fact apart from being uncomfortable, pain can be a form of fertilising our lives, creating much needed growth, resourcefulness and healing to all people involved.

In comparison, untruthfulness and resentment may cause a lot of injury such as a long term rifts, addictions, stopping the individual working through their grief and loss and learning to grow up to name a few injuries.

'Pain can be the best friend your relationship has ever had’. Cloud and Townsend

Here’s to laughing out loud – '?lol’

Were you aware that laughter has so many beneficial effects?

According to Dr. Lee Berk of Loma Linda University Medical Center, California, even when laughter is fake, it reduces stress and gives optimal hormonal levels in the endocrine system.

Did you know that it is claimed children laugh about 400 times a day compared to only 15 laughs a day by adults? Yes, we laugh less as we get older. Is it any wonder that our stress levels rise as we age?!

Why then does this happen?

For me personally, when I look back in my past, I recall being told as a teenager, '?You laugh too loudly’ and, '?You laugh like a witch’. I gave these comments the meaning that I was unacceptable when I laughed and I chose to shut down my laughter so that I could be more acceptable to these people. I have learnt a lot over the years.

I’ve since changed the type of people I invite into my life and these days I have fabulous friends that I laugh out loud with.

As I continue to learn about the importance of taking responsibility for creating a healthy mind for myself, at 55 years old I’m setting out to include a lot more laughter in my life. How about you?

At 55 I’ve discovered that how to do conflict differently.

How are you choosing to fertilise your mind?

Have you been aware of what you are thinking about today? Are you actively choosing your thoughts or are you passive and unaware that you are even having thoughts?

A number of years ago, I visited a specialist who confronted me about what I was running through my mind. It was a shock to me that I was even running thoughts through my mind without being aware of them. I had been soaking my mind with negative thoughts about myself and this was in turn having a negative effect on my feelings and the health of my body.

I have since chosen to take time in my day to notice the good things that happen, and steep myself in them for the moment, rather than let them pass by without noticing them. Simple things like acknowledging the feeling of satisfaction when I accomplish something, the feeling of enjoyment when I listen to music I love and the joy it gives me to hear the birds singing in my garden to name a few.

I’m choosing to grow a healthy mind and fertilise it. What are you choosing to fertilise your mind with?